If I Try Hard Enough.....

"I want to change! I want to be different! I will try...I will do it! If  I try hard enough I can do it!"

  A year ago I prayed, "Lord, do whatever it takes! Whatever it takes to make me like You!" I was sincere and ready to face anything that could be placed upon me....
  About a month ago I was studying one morning as usual but I felt a bigger burden than usual. I dove into my Bible....
  Oh the perfectness, the beauty, the never failing love, the never ending patience of Christ! As I pondered His perfect character tears trickled down my cheeks. Oh His love for me! He gave everything for me! And here I am...I'm nothing near perfect, there's nothing beautiful in me, my love is failing at times, my patience runs out and I had even failed Him at times! As I sat there, the tears still running, I thought of all the times I failed the One who gave His life for me, the scene of Him in agony and pain on the cross giving all for me flashed into my mind. "Maybe all the times I failed Him...did I put Him through the cross all over again?"
  "I want to change! I don't want Him hurt ever again! I want to be like Him in all ways! I want His love to never fail through me, I want HIS beauty to shine in and through me, I want selflessness, and I want to have the patience that never runs out!" 
   I decided that if I tried hard enough I could do it! I could smile and be kind even when I felt like blowing up. If I tried hard enough I could overcome....so I thought.
  So I began...at first everything didn't go too bad...but as the days past I got more irritable, more inpatient, it was not the result I wanted. Everything seemed to go wrong and I was nearly in tears no matter what happened. Everyday it got worse and worse till one day I couldn't hold out any longer. I ran to a room fell down on my knees and sobbed like a child. My heart was broken. I had tried and tried but failed. I was tired, and I was done. In my distress I cried out to my Savior.
"Oh Lord, I'm done. I have tried and tried and I'm finished. If You want me to change You will have to change me!"
  Yes, that's what I should of done in the beginning...but it took tears and much pain for me to learn the simple lesson. It wasn't that I didn't know the lesson...I just didn't realize where I had gone wrong in my self-reliance! As I knelt there and prayed I felt as if Jesus was standing right beside me with His hand on my shoulder looking down upon me with a smile saying, "Yes, My child....yes...!" Peace filled my soul, the tears ceased to flow, I felt new...fresh....strong....in my realization of my nothingness and weakness, He made me strong...the strength that only comes from Him and FULL surrender to Him.
  I'm praising the Lord, for the heartache, pain and tears He let me go through to teach me such a simple lesson.... And I assure I will never try to do anything in my own strength ever again! :) Being filled with His strength is by far, better than any strength I could ever possess!